the face I never want to see...

I know that face. That reaction. That face of guilt. I know that. I recognize that. I saw that before. And I know what it means. It means failure. I failed again. I was wrong again. All this time, I knew. I should've listened to my gut. I already know it will go nowhere. I know I will fail. I know that I will get hurt. Again. I knew. But I was stubborn. It was a stupid idea. I thought it would work. I thought I will be happy at last. But alas, I was wrong. And it sucks. It really does.

I just want to play Skyrim.. :(

I just want to play Skyrim.. I just want to feel how to be powerful and free, being able to make any decision I can make without anyone judging what I do. I just want to kill dragons for fun and to relieve stress. I just want to ride Shadowmere to the top of the throat of the world and look at the view, maybe killing dragons on the way. I just want to wield dual swords and cast magic with 2 hands. I just want to shout "FUS RO DAH!" I just want to save the world. I just want to escape my mediocre life for some measly hours. I just want to play Skyrim. :(

Peers.

I don't have a group of friends that I belong to or what we call "barkada". All of my so-called friends have their own group, where they meet up, share life stories, bond and goof around and stuff. I don't have that. Yes, I have friends but still, I barely see them; and they too have their own barkada. Its just sad that when it comes to the end, everyone will stick with their barkadas, and I will be there... alone.

Legal..

Yes, I became of legal age tuesday last week. I hoped this year would be different. But, as expected, just as the last 2 years, it sucked. It sucked because:
- the people I thought that would remember, yes, they forgot.
- I barely got anything.
- My parents didn't gave me anything this year. same as last year and last christmas.

Its not that I'm an ungrateful and insensitive bastard in the internet. I am not implying that my parents are bad ones(believe me, I think they are one of the best I know.), but still, they are not perfect, I know that. They have limitations on what they can give and do. But still. I feel bad. Its just that I was disappointed again on my birthday. I know what is happening in the world, with all its problems in poverty and other crap, but it supposedly my happy day, a day that I should be happy and carefree; a day I should be at least, greeted by my peers at school (if I have one). It is just disappointing and sad and shit. I have no one to tell this crap I have, so I'm posting it here. I bet no one reads this shit anyway.

Closure...

my life is still boring as usual. but last night I had a very, interesting dream...

this is what I still remember(the interesting part): I was in someone's house(probably a friend, but I can't remember who) and it was a sleepover of some sort. We were playing some kind of game, I'm not sure if its truth or dare, but I think its my turn or something. then I chose dare, and they told me that I was to go inside a closet or something and someone will come in and we should stay there for the rest of the game. I don't want to ruin the fun so I just did it. I went inside a closet and waited for the person who will come in. But I am the type of person who fall asleep(INCEPTION) when bored. I fell asleep(INCEPTION) for awhile, but someone woke me up. It was her,(lets call her "?")looking at me with her brown, oriental eyes. I was fucking surprised, I mean, the fuck bro? I wouldn't even go to a place if I know she will be there, and I know(kinda) that I was sure she wasn't supposed to be there. She told me that they all passed out and went to sleep already. they didn't bother to wake me up,(INCEPTION) so she asked me to go to sleep in another place, not the closet. she lead me to the room where the other guys were sleeping(INCEPTION), but I found out that there were no more vacant mats and makeshift beddings left, and the only vacant one is the one beside hers. so I have no choice but to go there. and as I was falling asleep again(INCEPTION), she asked me if I was still awake. I answered "yeah. why?" and she was like "can we talk?" and I was like "yeah sure. what's up?" and she was like "are you still mad at me?" and I was like "months after graduation, yes. I don't even like to hear your name. but these past few days, it kinda faded." she was like "why?" i was like "i dunno. my hatred just started to fade away. I realized that whatever I do to make myself forget, it will never be gone. because its done(it rhymes!). in the past there's this sadness and pain that I feel inside here(points at chest: heart area); it feels heavy and i hate it. even though the hatred is gone, the heavy feeling and slight sadness and pain is still there."
then she was like "I'm sorry." I was like "I saw you the other night at the terminal. I was supposed to go inside the jeepney but I saw you, so I went away." then she was like "why?" then I was like "well, when I saw you, the pain I feel started to get worse, the heavy feeling became intense, and I panicked. I was just not ready yet to talk to you then." then she was like "I saw you too. I saw you walk away." then I was like "I'm sorry. I just don't have the courage to talk to you back then yet." then she was like "Its my fault you're like that now. I'm really sorry." then I was like "Its okay. We both know that it was both our fault why it happened. I'm sorry too for everything." then she started to move towards me; she was going to give me a hug. I was like in my head: " WTF! NO!" I just sat there frozen then the world kinda slowed down. then, fhjghkafgaknhcgahnfkadsfakzfer.................................................................................................................................................................


I woke up. The dream was over. The other stuff started to fade away in my mind. These are all I can remember. The heavy feeling, for a moment, started to fade. But when I woke up, realizing it was just a dream, it came back. I kinda know now what I need. I need to talk to her. I need to go back and fix myself, not leave it behind. I need.... a closure.

a mere shadow of my former self...

I am only a mere shadow of my former self. I was not this kind of a pessimist back then. I was one of the people that always look at the brighter side of life. But now, I can only show others that side, but not looking at that myself. I always fake a smile to my real friends, just to show them that I am happy, but in reality, I'm far from it. I am always unsatisfied. Always wanting more. The thing that made me into this mess is just 2 years back. During my last year at highschool.

Career Path...

I haven't made a career path to follow, even though I am a college student now. I'm the type of person that never plans. I always think about doing stuff just moments before I do it. Sometimes I do spend time to think things through, but most of the time I don't even follow my plan. It just so happens that things that happen to me works out somehow, positively most of the time, but it really is so very, very bad when it doesn't. Yes, I am an impulsive person. But when I play video games, I do the opposite; I plan things but I make important decisions quickly depends on the situation. My point is that I am still lost; lost in a sense that I don't know what I want to do in my life. Help.