a mere shadow of my former self...

I am only a mere shadow of my former self. I was not this kind of a pessimist back then. I was one of the people that always look at the brighter side of life. But now, I can only show others that side, but not looking at that myself. I always fake a smile to my real friends, just to show them that I am happy, but in reality, I'm far from it. I am always unsatisfied. Always wanting more. The thing that made me into this mess is just 2 years back. During my last year at highschool.

Career Path...

I haven't made a career path to follow, even though I am a college student now. I'm the type of person that never plans. I always think about doing stuff just moments before I do it. Sometimes I do spend time to think things through, but most of the time I don't even follow my plan. It just so happens that things that happen to me works out somehow, positively most of the time, but it really is so very, very bad when it doesn't. Yes, I am an impulsive person. But when I play video games, I do the opposite; I plan things but I make important decisions quickly depends on the situation. My point is that I am still lost; lost in a sense that I don't know what I want to do in my life. Help.

The Lone Wolf..

yes. I do go to class alone. I eat my lunch alone. I play video games alone. I almost do everything alone now. Since I barely trust anybody at school today, I do school stuff alone, unless I need to join and do works in groups. And yes, I feel lonely sometimes. It kinda sucks when something interesting happens to you at school and you have nobody to talk about it. It really sucks...

confusion.. :|

this morning I opened facebook and saw a notif that tells me that I was mentioned in a post. Well, that's new. I checked it out and saw a link to a blog. It was this.
http://jhag28.blogspot.com/
Read it, it is long, but really worth the time.

After reading, I became unsure of things I know that was indubitable. I became confused about my feelings. Or something like that. I don't know... I don't want that... waaah. lol. My mind is in chaos right now. Help.

Trust Issues...

I have developed a problem in trusting people just recently. I don't like to trust people because I know that they will make me lose my trust on them soon. I had a bad experience during my first year in college(last year). I trusted my so-called "friends" and eventually, they did something that made me distrust them now. I don't see them much these days but when I do, I always fake a smile and I always hide my true thoughts from them, just because I don't trust them anymore. They are more like companions to me now than friends...

Harry Potter Films...

Harry Potter Films represent my childhood movie life. I always look forward for the next HP movie that will come out. These movies taught me a lot of things like how to be brave, importance of thinking logically, and how to be loyal to your friends and loved ones. It also helped me understand complicated people and how to deal with them. These movies showed me that I am blessed to have a loving family.

By watching the final movie, it meant that the time of being a kid is over. It is time to grow up and use the knowledge that this series taught me through these past 10 years. This series will always have a special place in my heart.

A movie quote that describes my life now...

Doctor: "So, did anything that happened today that triggered these feelings?"(talking about suicidal tendency)


Craig(in his mind): "Sometimes I wish I have a easy reason why I am depressed, like my father beats me or I was sexually abused, but my problems are less dramatic than that. Like my father always asks the wrong questions.  And my friends sometimes look at me like I'm from another planet. And I'm obsessed with this girl... who happens to be going out with my best friend.[Imma change the last sentence to: "And I'm in love with this girl but I have no idea if she really likes me or not, and I'm like waiting for something to happen but I have no idea if it will do happen."]"
Craig: " Uhmm, no. Nothing unusual."


- It's Kind of a Funny Story (2010)


-- This is what I feel right about now. Not suicidal exactly, yet. Dunno. Maybe its all in my mind... Making up silly and disturbing ideas...