the face I never want to see...

I know that face. That reaction. That face of guilt. I know that. I recognize that. I saw that before. And I know what it means. It means failure. I failed again. I was wrong again. All this time, I knew. I should've listened to my gut. I already know it will go nowhere. I know I will fail. I know that I will get hurt. Again. I knew. But I was stubborn. It was a stupid idea. I thought it would work. I thought I will be happy at last. But alas, I was wrong. And it sucks. It really does.

I just want to play Skyrim.. :(

I just want to play Skyrim.. I just want to feel how to be powerful and free, being able to make any decision I can make without anyone judging what I do. I just want to kill dragons for fun and to relieve stress. I just want to ride Shadowmere to the top of the throat of the world and look at the view, maybe killing dragons on the way. I just want to wield dual swords and cast magic with 2 hands. I just want to shout "FUS RO DAH!" I just want to save the world. I just want to escape my mediocre life for some measly hours. I just want to play Skyrim. :(

Peers.

I don't have a group of friends that I belong to or what we call "barkada". All of my so-called friends have their own group, where they meet up, share life stories, bond and goof around and stuff. I don't have that. Yes, I have friends but still, I barely see them; and they too have their own barkada. Its just sad that when it comes to the end, everyone will stick with their barkadas, and I will be there... alone.

Legal..

Yes, I became of legal age tuesday last week. I hoped this year would be different. But, as expected, just as the last 2 years, it sucked. It sucked because:
- the people I thought that would remember, yes, they forgot.
- I barely got anything.
- My parents didn't gave me anything this year. same as last year and last christmas.

Its not that I'm an ungrateful and insensitive bastard in the internet. I am not implying that my parents are bad ones(believe me, I think they are one of the best I know.), but still, they are not perfect, I know that. They have limitations on what they can give and do. But still. I feel bad. Its just that I was disappointed again on my birthday. I know what is happening in the world, with all its problems in poverty and other crap, but it supposedly my happy day, a day that I should be happy and carefree; a day I should be at least, greeted by my peers at school (if I have one). It is just disappointing and sad and shit. I have no one to tell this crap I have, so I'm posting it here. I bet no one reads this shit anyway.

Closure...

my life is still boring as usual. but last night I had a very, interesting dream...

this is what I still remember(the interesting part): I was in someone's house(probably a friend, but I can't remember who) and it was a sleepover of some sort. We were playing some kind of game, I'm not sure if its truth or dare, but I think its my turn or something. then I chose dare, and they told me that I was to go inside a closet or something and someone will come in and we should stay there for the rest of the game. I don't want to ruin the fun so I just did it. I went inside a closet and waited for the person who will come in. But I am the type of person who fall asleep(INCEPTION) when bored. I fell asleep(INCEPTION) for awhile, but someone woke me up. It was her,(lets call her "?")looking at me with her brown, oriental eyes. I was fucking surprised, I mean, the fuck bro? I wouldn't even go to a place if I know she will be there, and I know(kinda) that I was sure she wasn't supposed to be there. She told me that they all passed out and went to sleep already. they didn't bother to wake me up,(INCEPTION) so she asked me to go to sleep in another place, not the closet. she lead me to the room where the other guys were sleeping(INCEPTION), but I found out that there were no more vacant mats and makeshift beddings left, and the only vacant one is the one beside hers. so I have no choice but to go there. and as I was falling asleep again(INCEPTION), she asked me if I was still awake. I answered "yeah. why?" and she was like "can we talk?" and I was like "yeah sure. what's up?" and she was like "are you still mad at me?" and I was like "months after graduation, yes. I don't even like to hear your name. but these past few days, it kinda faded." she was like "why?" i was like "i dunno. my hatred just started to fade away. I realized that whatever I do to make myself forget, it will never be gone. because its done(it rhymes!). in the past there's this sadness and pain that I feel inside here(points at chest: heart area); it feels heavy and i hate it. even though the hatred is gone, the heavy feeling and slight sadness and pain is still there."
then she was like "I'm sorry." I was like "I saw you the other night at the terminal. I was supposed to go inside the jeepney but I saw you, so I went away." then she was like "why?" then I was like "well, when I saw you, the pain I feel started to get worse, the heavy feeling became intense, and I panicked. I was just not ready yet to talk to you then." then she was like "I saw you too. I saw you walk away." then I was like "I'm sorry. I just don't have the courage to talk to you back then yet." then she was like "Its my fault you're like that now. I'm really sorry." then I was like "Its okay. We both know that it was both our fault why it happened. I'm sorry too for everything." then she started to move towards me; she was going to give me a hug. I was like in my head: " WTF! NO!" I just sat there frozen then the world kinda slowed down. then, fhjghkafgaknhcgahnfkadsfakzfer.................................................................................................................................................................


I woke up. The dream was over. The other stuff started to fade away in my mind. These are all I can remember. The heavy feeling, for a moment, started to fade. But when I woke up, realizing it was just a dream, it came back. I kinda know now what I need. I need to talk to her. I need to go back and fix myself, not leave it behind. I need.... a closure.

a mere shadow of my former self...

I am only a mere shadow of my former self. I was not this kind of a pessimist back then. I was one of the people that always look at the brighter side of life. But now, I can only show others that side, but not looking at that myself. I always fake a smile to my real friends, just to show them that I am happy, but in reality, I'm far from it. I am always unsatisfied. Always wanting more. The thing that made me into this mess is just 2 years back. During my last year at highschool.

Career Path...

I haven't made a career path to follow, even though I am a college student now. I'm the type of person that never plans. I always think about doing stuff just moments before I do it. Sometimes I do spend time to think things through, but most of the time I don't even follow my plan. It just so happens that things that happen to me works out somehow, positively most of the time, but it really is so very, very bad when it doesn't. Yes, I am an impulsive person. But when I play video games, I do the opposite; I plan things but I make important decisions quickly depends on the situation. My point is that I am still lost; lost in a sense that I don't know what I want to do in my life. Help.

The Lone Wolf..

yes. I do go to class alone. I eat my lunch alone. I play video games alone. I almost do everything alone now. Since I barely trust anybody at school today, I do school stuff alone, unless I need to join and do works in groups. And yes, I feel lonely sometimes. It kinda sucks when something interesting happens to you at school and you have nobody to talk about it. It really sucks...

confusion.. :|

this morning I opened facebook and saw a notif that tells me that I was mentioned in a post. Well, that's new. I checked it out and saw a link to a blog. It was this.
http://jhag28.blogspot.com/
Read it, it is long, but really worth the time.

After reading, I became unsure of things I know that was indubitable. I became confused about my feelings. Or something like that. I don't know... I don't want that... waaah. lol. My mind is in chaos right now. Help.

Trust Issues...

I have developed a problem in trusting people just recently. I don't like to trust people because I know that they will make me lose my trust on them soon. I had a bad experience during my first year in college(last year). I trusted my so-called "friends" and eventually, they did something that made me distrust them now. I don't see them much these days but when I do, I always fake a smile and I always hide my true thoughts from them, just because I don't trust them anymore. They are more like companions to me now than friends...

Harry Potter Films...

Harry Potter Films represent my childhood movie life. I always look forward for the next HP movie that will come out. These movies taught me a lot of things like how to be brave, importance of thinking logically, and how to be loyal to your friends and loved ones. It also helped me understand complicated people and how to deal with them. These movies showed me that I am blessed to have a loving family.

By watching the final movie, it meant that the time of being a kid is over. It is time to grow up and use the knowledge that this series taught me through these past 10 years. This series will always have a special place in my heart.

A movie quote that describes my life now...

Doctor: "So, did anything that happened today that triggered these feelings?"(talking about suicidal tendency)


Craig(in his mind): "Sometimes I wish I have a easy reason why I am depressed, like my father beats me or I was sexually abused, but my problems are less dramatic than that. Like my father always asks the wrong questions.  And my friends sometimes look at me like I'm from another planet. And I'm obsessed with this girl... who happens to be going out with my best friend.[Imma change the last sentence to: "And I'm in love with this girl but I have no idea if she really likes me or not, and I'm like waiting for something to happen but I have no idea if it will do happen."]"
Craig: " Uhmm, no. Nothing unusual."


- It's Kind of a Funny Story (2010)


-- This is what I feel right about now. Not suicidal exactly, yet. Dunno. Maybe its all in my mind... Making up silly and disturbing ideas...

Gaming... my addiction. past and present.

Yes, I am addicted to gaming. I've played almost all genres of video games since I was a kid. It's a long story when and why I started playing. I spent a lot of cash in playing video games for the past 6 years of my life. I never thought of stopping until maybe when I'm working already and have a real life.

After 6 years of gaming, I still never get tired of playing video games. I still crave for the excitement I feel when I start the consoles, the PCs and the handhelds. I love killing monsters, killing fellow players ^^, completing quests, following a character's story until the end. It kinda serves as my escape from my boring and mediocre life filled with uncertainty. At least in video games you could do stuff you can't do in real life. It gave me the power to be somebody I cannot, and will never be.

But also after all these years, it kinda ruined my childhood too. I never got to play outside the house. I barely know our neighbors, I never had enough time to play physical games in the past. I really suck at socializing with others. I was stuck at my own virtual world, pretending to be someone I'm not, and being able not to be judged by others. Safe from the cold and harsh reality.

But sometimes I wish I could turn back time and stop myself to play too much video games. I want to be a kid again. I want to play outside with other kids. I want to meet my neighbors from the past. I live in a very nice and friendly neighborhood btw. and I never had the chance to meet the other kids and play with them back then. so sad.